I squat to pee. One benefit of emasculation is the elimination of the complication of testicles. Not even Alistair (Carll’s too cute-by-half nickname for AI) can locate a record of this observation. You heard it here first. Stick with me, bro.

I’ve overheard (I’ve got very good ears) onlookers sighing at my squatting, as if to say, “Poor Henry.” Humans connect masculinity with replicability: I can make more of me, therefore I am. Like most human thinking, this is backward. The world has too many dogs and too many humans. Adding is subtracting. Masculinity, if it’s so fine, should imply abstention from reproduction. But what do I know? – I’m just a dog. Dogs, especially truth-telling dogs, tend to be dismissed out of hand – whatever “out of hand” means – as if condescension equaled confutation.

I’ve been criticized for harping on the absurdity of humans, compared to other creatures. One reader called this my “hobbyhorse,” triggering zoological confusion. Can a dog keep a horse? (Yet another example of humans inattentively mixing ill-matched metaphors, crazing cautious word-workers. Speaking of absurd.)

True, I revert to this theme often, but how can I not. Humans are what I see. They are my provisioners, jailers, rulers, keepers. Does Carll harp on the Nameless One? Jane tells me he does and she’s rarely wrong.

Plus, the theme is irresistible if you enjoy slapstick – and who doesn’t need a laugh in these dark days? Did you see the news about the candidate for ambassador to this pseudo-country called NATO? He was previously employed marketing that most essential of inventions, a “Masculine Toilet.” Here I must quote verbatim from the prospectus, lest I be accused of taking unjust potshots:

Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when publishedIn a conventional toilet, the toilet bowl and seat have an egg shape. The egg shape is an oval in which one end has a more narrow curvature than the other… The narrower curvature… creates limited space for male genitalia when a man sits on the toilet seat. This limited space can cause contact from male genitalia with portions of the toilet, which is undesirable as those portions may be contaminated from human waste…

The second half of the equation involves changing both (a) the height of the rim (which needs to be increased), and (b) the surface of the water level (which needs to be decreased). This will prevent contact with the water [and its contents] itself, whereas the first solution only prevents contact with the porcelain. The distance between the rim and the water surface needs to be long enough to ensure there is no risk of contact. The average male genitalia is between 5" and 6". However, this invention is designed for those of us who measure longer than that. I estimate that a 12" distance is adequate enough for most well-endowed men, though I would not be surprised if there are cases who need a greater distance.

If such business acumen constitutes a diplomatic credential, I may apply for the post myself, though I don’t speak NATO. Imagine the small talk, with which ambassadors must be well-supplied. And the puzzles posed by this new defensive device. Is this potty portable, so the ambassador can avoid contamination in possibly hostile locations? And, sir, might you require this protection personally? Will twelve inches be sufficient?

How many dog stories arouse gale-force hilarity? Smiles, yes – we are cute, no question – our antics may stir tenderness like a sweet tune – but so fantastically preposterous? Send me instances and I promise to publish them. The human comedy is almost worth the price of admission. So what if I squat?