Carll asked me the other day about my politics.

Human to human this question’s as indiscreet as all get-out, sort of like asking, “How much do you weigh?” Humans encumber sociability with more do’s and don’ts than you can shake a stick at. We dogs disclose ourselves no worries, all you’ve got to do is sniff. Carll’s follow-up to the preceding would be, What’s a Republican smell like – or Democrat – or Bobby Kennedy voter (oof!), because he’s always angling – Carll, I mean – for the easy laugh. In company he’s incorrigible – that’s Jane’s adjective – with the quip or pun to flaunt his wit. He does this (my theory) the way some dogs bare their incisors to show they’ll bite. Also (theory number two) in his aw-shucks just-kidding fashion to brandish his vocabulary, like a gunslinger twirling his Colt (in the movies I’m talking), doesn’t mean anything by it but bam, bam, he explodes a mosquito from a dozen paces.

I’ve no idea about my politics, that’s the God’s honest truth, why clog your brain with crud. Politics I’ve noticed in my brief but action-packed earthly stay, pisses people off, setting them at each other’s throats. Who needs that! We dogs favor getting along or, if not, steering clear. Some dogs make trouble but they’re likely rabid, so we shoot them, especially in South Dakota. (I’m less grieved about that gun-toting governor than you might predict. Shoot a bad dog if it’s razzing you, it happens, but DON’T TALK ABOUT IT! Small state, small brains maybe.)

(Humans, I’ve observed, object most vociferously to penalties they might be subject to: billionaires squawk about taxes, rapists were “just having a little fun,” etc. Ditto dogs: no threat, no sweat. The chance of me being shot is zero. Of being accidentally smothered? Could happen.)

The simplest way to scope my politics would be by questionnaire. (Carll pauses after typing that word for the first time in seventy-two years. “You ever noticed,” he asks – me of all creatures, “what a weird word that is? All those vowels – and those doubled n’s – it’s a snake pit -- gives me the heebie-jeebies.” And you thought my life a cakewalk!)

Questions to include on the q**********re:

·      Do you favor old ways (conservative) or trying new stuff (liberal)?

·      Do you believe in sharing or hogging everything to yourself, even if others don’t have enough?

·      Do you rate health, education, food and shelter privileges or rights?

·      Are Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz, Jim Jordan, Kristi Noem, et al. your idea of admirable?

·      The richer you are, the less taxes you should pay: true or false?

·      If Vladimir Putin invaded America, would that be good or bad?

·      Should you grab women “by the pussy”? (Why the cat metaphor?)

·      Should pre-teen girls be forced to have babies if their daddies raped them?

·      Is climate change a hoax? Is ingested bleach healthful?

·      Are rich and wise synonyms or antonyms?

·      Do dog-loving politicians deserve extra credit?

Re: the first, you bet I’m conservative. I hold with the poet Pope, “Whatever is, is right” or, more colloquially, “If it aint broke, don’t fix it.” Scares the bejeezus out of me when a big box suddenly appears or an unexpected shovel. No change is for the better, IMO. This puts me at odds with Jane and Carll, but it’s a free country, right, at least for another few months.

If you’re curious whom I voting for November 5, I’m not. Dogs don’t vote. One political party advocates reclassifying black people, the urban poor and suspected liberals in the dog category. The Supreme Court has agreed to hear the case.